During the holiday season leading up to Eliana’s birth, I can remember that excited feeling of knowing that from this point forward, the holidays were going to be so much different. They would now include playing in the snow, baking cookies and candies, highly anticipated visits from Santa, repositioning the Elf on the Shelf for the next day, even sneaking into the bedroom like my mom used to do so that I could quickly wrap presents before anyone saw them. Little did I know how different they would be.
Now, eight years later, all that excitement and anticipation surrounding the holiday season has transformed into grief and anxiety. I grieve over the fact that I wrap gifts that cannot be opened (at least not without full hand-over-hand assistance). I grieve over the fact that as Eliana gets older, I am still looking for toys in the infant and toddler section of the store (there are only so many light up toys that can be switch adapted).I grieve over the fact that I can make all the delicious treats in the world, but my daughter will never be able to enjoy them (unless it is Keto-friendly pudding). I grieve because we will never experience the joy of rushing outside with our daughter to build a snowman, or being woken up early on Christmas morning to see what Santa has brought overnight.
On top of this annual wave of grief, the COVID pandemic has added a new layer: Anxiety. The last time Eliana was exposed to a respiratory virus we spent 14 days in the PICU on a ventilator. Needless to say, we are taking precautions to try and limit Eliana’s possible exposure. This means no in-person school for almost 2 years, no adventures to crowded, enclosed spaces, and also no large family gatherings for the holidays.
President Teddy Roosevelt once said “comparison is the thief of joy” and I couldn’t agree more. While I try not to compare our experience with Eliana to others, it is so hard, especially during the holiday season when you are inundated with additional societal norms and expectations of what the holidays should look and feel like.
If you are struggling to keep up with the demands of the holidays, please know that you are not alone. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. It is okay to not put up the Christmas tree this year. It is okay to place restrictions on your time spent with others. It is okay to not be merry this Christmas. It is okay to not be okay.
